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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
i don`t know what to say on your comment so i just hit "like" so you won`t be upset that ignored you.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.