Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.