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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.