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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.