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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome