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99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.