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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.