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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.