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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.