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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.