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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."