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It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?