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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`