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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.