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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
hilarious