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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.