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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
u cant spell awesome without me
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.