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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.