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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.