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Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.