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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.