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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.