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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.