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Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`