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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.