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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...