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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...