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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"