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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.