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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.