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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.