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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?