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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”