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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.