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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.