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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough