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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b