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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Iām beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
I hope to get to the point in my life where Iām not excited about finding change on the ground.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1