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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.