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I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.