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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I know u r but what am I ?
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack