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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Never trust a skinny chef
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Remember when the world ended last year?
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.