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Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.