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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.