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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
I might not be a great example, but I´m one hell of a good warning.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.