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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
My mom says I`m special.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I laugh in the face of normal.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.