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I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.