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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!