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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.