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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.