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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.