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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Gym Update: Not there.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.