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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.