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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.