Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time