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Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.