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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.