Daily Silly Status

I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.

Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.

Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"

If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.

If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!

I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m