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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.