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See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store