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I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!