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When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Honk if you want to see my finger.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.