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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.